Checking My Heart…

‘The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?’
-Jeremiah 17:9

Follow your heart, they said. I think not. Instead, lead your heart because the heart is deceitful. Recently I was deceived by a dream. I dreamt a relationship with someone who I had never thought about, so it got me thinking could it be a possibility? My mind opened up to thoughts that should have never been opened in the first place. I found myself wanting to text him or waiting for his. My heart was telling me to chase him, but God was telling me “No! Don’t do it! He has to pursue!” Have I learned nothing from my past? Have I learned nothing from all the books I’ve been reading and the videos I’ve been listening to?

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord .’
-Proverbs 18:22

Get that scripture in your head, Justine. HE who FINDS. He has to find ME. It’s a GOOD thing, ya’ll! In the past, I’ve always been quick to let a guy know I like him. In other words, shooting my shot was natural to me. But, I’m shooting no shots anymore!

If you want me as a wife, you better pursue me.

Alone Not Lonely…

I’ve always been ok with doing things alone. I like going to the movies alone, I like going to restaurants alone, I have no problem doing things alone, and sometimes I even prefer it. I’ve been looking at $3+million dollar homes, checking out Porsche’s, have dates planned with myself on my calendar for this month. I really want to live out this single life to the fullest. So that way I know when I finally have that somebody next to me that I can appreciate it so much more. Everything is a blessing especially this single season where I can take the time to really get to know me, and figure out things before I get into a relationship. I can’t deny that sometimes I wonder when and actually it has been on my mind a lot recently. I am turning 31 in about 6 days and the holidays are here, so I’m feeling a little weary about when this guy is going to show up in my life haha. But, I have faith that he will show up.

Negotiables and Non-Negotiables…

People say I’m picky, but here is my “list”! In my opinion it doesn’t look too bad, so I don’t know what people are talking about haha. My future husband definitely has to be a Man of God, Jesus Lover, Christ follower; there is no exceptions with that. I also want him to be a leader, either he is one, working on being one, or willing to be one. I know that I would want him to lead me, lead our children, and even lead other men. He has to be a great communicator; emotionally, mentally, and physically. Communication is key for every successful relationship. I want him to be honest and transparent because again it falls into being a great communicator. He also has to be funny because I love to laugh. Last but not least, my future husband has to be handsome. I have to be attracted to him of course.

I wrote some things in the negotiables side, but I couldn’t really think of much to put because I know my non-negotiables. Everything else falls onto the right side of the list. Actually, I really hope he is tall between 5’8″ to 6’3″ even though I’m already short. I hope that he exercises; he doesn’t have to be a body builder or anything, but he values his health. I want someone to love food and has an open mind about trying new foods. I love to cook and bake, so I hope he is willing to be my taste tester. I hope he loves to travel because I love exploring new places and culture.

So if you are reading this and you know someone who fits this list, leave a comment! Haha I am kidding, not really.. Till next time.

Keep Me Hidden…

I asked God to keep me hidden while I take a year to heal from my past, figure out my calling, and to start living out my purpose. Well God, you definitely are doing that for me. However, today I wish I wasn’t hidden. I sat in the pews of my church wishing I was finally there. I looked at the couple sitting in front of me with their new baby boy and wished I could be there.

I asked Him in a whisper, “when God, when will it be my turn?

I stopped idolizing marriage, started loving my single season, started healing, started figuring out Justine, beginning to get out of my comfort zone, focusing on my relationship with God, and I appreciate every bit of it, but today was different. I felt loneliness creep in while I sat by myself at church, which is often, even though I’m surrounded by so many. How could I feel lonely? I started looking around for that single guy sitting alone too. Hey look at me, I’m sitting alone also. Maybe he’s the one. God tell him I’m the one. Very silly I know, but today was just one of those days. God knows when I’ll be ready, even I know I’m not prepared just yet.

Why Are You Still Single?

I get asked this question more often than not, and I get why they ask. I’m turning 31 soon, and I’m not married or have any kids at all. It’s not hard for me to get a date, and it probably wouldn’t be that hard to pick one and have a boyfriend. I got people sliding in my DM’s, so I know I’m not ugly. Haha! People say all types of things to me about my singleness, and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard everything.

 

“You’re so pretty and perfect, why aren’t you off the market?”
“You must be crazy!”
“Stop being picky, you’re never going to find anyone!”
“You’re getting old.”
“Don’t you want babies?”
“He might be atheist, but he could be a good guy.”

 

So why am I still single? Hmm… Because I CHOOSE to be and I AM picky! What they don’t understand or see is the value and vision of what love and marriage really mean to me. My definition of love and marriage is God! He is the center of my life and He will be the center of my future marriage. I feel like there is no other way to explain it unless you understand it for yourself. I do get tired. I get tired of explaining to people why I’m still single like I have to justify it. Some just won’t understand and that is ok. I just learned to stop getting frustrated about it. I read marriage and relationship books, hear stories from married folk, and learn scriptures of what a wife and mother signify. I’ve gained a lot of knowledge around relationships, and it isn’t a walk in the park. Love and marriage is a responsibility, commitment, and lots of hard work. I’m only willing to step into a relationship that is sent by God. I’ve done relationships so wrong in the past that I’m going to wait patiently this time for the man of God, my future husband, that God blesses me with.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord.
Proverbs 18:22

I want the full blessing from God. I don’t want to prevent His blessings upon my life because I was in a hurry to do it my way. If it’s not from God, then I don’t want it!

My First Time…

I am not talking about my “first time”. I am talking about my first “saved-Christian” relationship, which really means the first relationship I had after I was saved. It definitely wasn’t a Christian relationship, but just two Christians in a relationship. You get what I’m saying? I was enjoying life, seeking after God hard, I was hungry and thirsty to get to know Jesus and to build this relationship with Him. I was feeling brand new and a whole new person. It was only a little over a year that I had been in my walk with God when I had met this guy. I honestly thought I had it under control, I felt that I was not going to go back to my old ways, and I was going to do it right this time. I spoke out about my values and me waiting till marriage, but it wasn’t long till I fell short. It’s not as easy to hold those values in place when you’re new in your walk, you think God had sent him, and you aren’t in the same mindset as that person. But things happen and I’m not perfect, but I have learned so much from it. If anything it has brought me closer to God. I realized after doing the 14-day Husband Fast, that I was not in a place to be in another relationship yet and this is my season to be single. I don’t ever want to stray away from God again as I did. In this season of singleness, I’m focusing on knowing God more, knowing Justine more, finding my passion, walking in the fullness of my purpose, becoming the woman of God, and to prepare and position myself for when that time comes to meet my future husband.