How do I fall in love?

Falling in love seems ridiculously scary; to feel something so deeply for someone. To be vulnerable, to let go of any power over my own emotions, and to let a sense of freedom takeover is insane! Who wants that? Especially at the risk of getting hurt? Why wouldn’t someone stop that? They say you risk everything when it comes to love, but I’m thinking of just saving myself before it even starts. I get into relationships and I set myself up for heartbreak just to prove to myself that I was right, and that he wasn’t the one anyways. And maybe he was but my own fear got in the way of the relationship. When the relationship felt like it was heading towards something more, I had to sabotage it. Maybe it’s me. My fear alone fucks me up. Because when I am single and looking for love, I think about how great love could be and how amazing it would be to find my true love. How fearless and hopeful I am to find the one. How exciting it is to go on different dates and possibly meet him. And then the vicious cycle happens once again. I get into a relationship, my feelings go wild and then I mess it up. It seems like it’s easier to ruin the relationship than to actual be in it and possibly fall in love. How do people do it? I’ve had relationships, but I’ve never been in love. I’ve felt in-the-moment-type relationships; relationships that I don’t see in the future. But when it comes to someone I want a future with, shit goes to hell. I think I am afraid of loving someone so hard that they will not love me as hard back. And when I think about falling in love and being in love, I think about it as 110% equal of loving each other the same. I don’t want to feel like I’m loving the other person more than they are loving me. I believe that being in love is equal. I am a hopeless romantic and a jaded cynic at the same time when it comes to love. I want to learn how to let things happen without feeling like I’m not in control over my feelings.

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