Remember when we used to love freely? Uninhibited: expressing one’s feelings or thoughts unselfconsciously and without restraint. Remember your first love? You were so in love with the person, nothing else mattered, time didn’t matter, responsibilities left for another day, emotions were up and down, but mostly high — feelings you’ve never felt before for someone. It was freeing to love, but that changes when you experience more pain, more relationships, more wasted time. We start holding back, thinking things through and start questioning the other person’s intentions. We’ve lost how to be spontaneously in love.
I want to be uninhibited in love again.
“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.” – 2 Timothy 2:22 NLT
I am flesh. I am weak. I can easily fall into temptation. I can fall short today or tomorrow. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. When you’ve done relationships so wrong in the past, you want to do it right this time. That’s my story. I want to do it right this time around. I want to build a foundation with someone that’s more than just physical attraction, made up of lustful thoughts and eyes.
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” – Matthew 26:41 NIV
I used to struggle with pornography and being sexually attracted to women. It would come in waves, days and weeks at a time. Once I open those gates, it was hard to close. I thought “at least I’m doing it alone and not with someone else.” In a way, I think it might have been worse. It was a secret, to yearn for that release, that satisfaction. It was instant gratification and selfish. To act like I didn’t have an issue on the outside, but in the inside, I could only think about when can I do it again? I wanted self-control, but I didn’t know how to obtain it. Thoughts of ex-lovers coming into your mind during church, wandering to places you know it shouldn’t be. Sometimes it still happens. I had to refocus on Who Mattered. So I prayed. I prayed to be delivered from porn. I prayed for soul-ties to be broken. I prayed back the pieces of my heart I gave away. I prayed for peace from my past. It’s a daily work, and I don’t think I’ll ever really make it, but I’m going to try. God is my strength when I am weak, and all I can do is pray and focus on Him.
“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 NLT
I thank You for this day. I praise You and worship You, Lord. I love You, Father God. You have blessed my life in more ways than one. I just lift You up, the Lord of lords and the King of kings. You amaze me, Your ways, Your love, the Lover of my Soul and my everything. I thank You for doing a work in me, in my heart, in my soul. Every day I am new, every day I have a chance to be more like Jesus. Thank You for your grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Please forgive me of my sins that I may not be aware of and bring those into the light so that I can change. You created me and knew me way before I was even formed. The plans You have on my life is all for You, to glorify You, and give You thanks! Father God, I pray and ask for strength and patience in things that I cannot control. I pray for boldness and fearlessness in all that I do. I thank You for saving me, leaving the 99 to find the one. I just give You thanks today. I love You, Father! In Jesus’ name. Amen!
‘The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?’
Follow your heart, they said. I think not. Instead, lead your heart because the heart is deceitful. Recently I was deceived by a dream. I dreamt a relationship with someone who I had never thought about, so it got me thinking could it be a possibility? My mind opened up to thoughts that should have never been opened in the first place. I found myself wanting to text him or waiting for his. My heart was telling me to chase him, but God was telling me “No! Don’t do it! He has to pursue!” Have I learned nothing from my past? Have I learned nothing from all the books I’ve been reading and the videos I’ve been listening to?
‘He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord .’
Get that scripture in your head, Justine. HE who FINDS. He has to find ME. It’s a GOOD thing, ya’ll! In the past, I’ve always been quick to let a guy know I like him. In other words, shooting my shot was natural to me. But, I’m shooting no shots anymore!
If you want me as a wife, you better pursue me.
I’ve always been ok with doing things alone. I like going to the movies alone, I like going to restaurants alone, I have no problem doing things alone, and sometimes I even prefer it. I’ve been looking at $3+million dollar homes, checking out Porsche’s, have dates planned with myself on my calendar for this month. I really want to live out this single life to the fullest. So that way I know when I finally have that somebody next to me that I can appreciate it so much more. Everything is a blessing especially this single season where I can take the time to really get to know me, and figure out things before I get into a relationship. I can’t deny that sometimes I wonder when and actually it has been on my mind a lot recently. I am turning 31 in about 6 days and the holidays are here, so I’m feeling a little weary about when this guy is going to show up in my life haha. But, I have faith that he will show up.
People say I’m picky, but here is my “list”! In my opinion it doesn’t look too bad, so I don’t know what people are talking about haha. My future husband definitely has to be a Man of God, Jesus Lover, Christ follower; there is no exceptions with that. I also want him to be a leader, either he is one, working on being one, or willing to be one. I know that I would want him to lead me, lead our children, and even lead other men. He has to be a great communicator; emotionally, mentally, and physically. Communication is key for every successful relationship. I want him to be honest and transparent because again it falls into being a great communicator. He also has to be funny because I love to laugh. Last but not least, my future husband has to be handsome. I have to be attracted to him of course.
I wrote some things in the negotiables side, but I couldn’t really think of much to put because I know my non-negotiables. Everything else falls onto the right side of the list. Actually, I really hope he is tall between 5’8″ to 6’3″ even though I’m already short. I hope that he exercises; he doesn’t have to be a body builder or anything, but he values his health. I want someone to love food and has an open mind about trying new foods. I love to cook and bake, so I hope he is willing to be my taste tester. I hope he loves to travel because I love exploring new places and culture.
So if you are reading this and you know someone who fits this list, leave a comment! Haha I am kidding, not really.. Till next time.
I asked God to keep me hidden while I take a year to heal from my past, figure out my calling, and to start living out my purpose. Well God, you definitely are doing that for me. However, today I wish I wasn’t hidden. I sat in the pews of my church wishing I was finally there. I looked at the couple sitting in front of me with their new baby boy and wished I could be there.
I asked Him in a whisper, “when God, when will it be my turn?“
I stopped idolizing marriage, started loving my single season, started healing, started figuring out Justine, beginning to get out of my comfort zone, focusing on my relationship with God, and I appreciate every bit of it, but today was different. I felt loneliness creep in while I sat by myself at church, which is often, even though I’m surrounded by so many. How could I feel lonely? I started looking around for that single guy sitting alone too. Hey look at me, I’m sitting alone also. Maybe he’s the one. God tell him I’m the one. Very silly I know, but today was just one of those days. God knows when I’ll be ready, even I know I’m not prepared just yet.
I get asked this question more often than not, and I get why they ask. I’m turning 31 soon, and I’m not married or have any kids at all. It’s not hard for me to get a date, and it probably wouldn’t be that hard to pick one and have a boyfriend. I got people sliding in my DM’s, so I know I’m not ugly. Haha! People say all types of things to me about my singleness, and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard everything.
“You’re so pretty and perfect, why aren’t you off the market?”
“You must be crazy!”
“Stop being picky, you’re never going to find anyone!”
“You’re getting old.”
“Don’t you want babies?”
“He might be atheist, but he could be a good guy.”
So why am I still single? Hmm… Because I CHOOSE to be and I AM picky! What they don’t understand or see is the value and vision of what love and marriage really mean to me. My definition of love and marriage is God! He is the center of my life and He will be the center of my future marriage. I feel like there is no other way to explain it unless you understand it for yourself. I do get tired. I get tired of explaining to people why I’m still single like I have to justify it. Some just won’t understand and that is ok. I just learned to stop getting frustrated about it. I read marriage and relationship books, hear stories from married folk, and learn scriptures of what a wife and mother signify. I’ve gained a lot of knowledge around relationships, and it isn’t a walk in the park. Love and marriage is a responsibility, commitment, and lots of hard work. I’m only willing to step into a relationship that is sent by God. I’ve done relationships so wrong in the past that I’m going to wait patiently this time for the man of God, my future husband, that God blesses me with.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord.
I want the full blessing from God. I don’t want to prevent His blessings upon my life because I was in a hurry to do it my way. If it’s not from God, then I don’t want it!
I am not talking about my “first time”. I am talking about my first “saved-Christian” relationship, which really means the first relationship I had after I was saved. It definitely wasn’t a Christian relationship, but just two Christians in a relationship. You get what I’m saying? I was enjoying life, seeking after God hard, I was hungry and thirsty to get to know Jesus and to build this relationship with Him. I was feeling brand new and a whole new person. It was only a little over a year that I had been in my walk with God when I had met this guy. I honestly thought I had it under control, I felt that I was not going to go back to my old ways, and I was going to do it right this time. I spoke out about my values and me waiting till marriage, but it wasn’t long till I fell short. It’s not as easy to hold those values in place when you’re new in your walk, you think God had sent him, and you aren’t in the same mindset as that person. But things happen and I’m not perfect, but I have learned so much from it. If anything it has brought me closer to God. I realized after doing the 14-day Husband Fast, that I was not in a place to be in another relationship yet and this is my season to be single. I don’t ever want to stray away from God again as I did. In this season of singleness, I’m focusing on knowing God more, knowing Justine more, finding my passion, walking in the fullness of my purpose, becoming the woman of God, and to prepare and position myself for when that time comes to meet my future husband.
My name is Justine, and I am now 30 years old. I started this blog about two years ago to write down all my dating adventures and experiences of trying to find love. I didn’t know I would find true love through Jesus Christ during this journey. It was so unexpected as they say “when you least expect it”, and THANK YOU, GOD! My life has completely changed, and it has been a sweet struggle to learn who I am in Christ and to learn how to date differently than my way, but instead God’s way. The journey has not always been easy, but I have found peace, joy, and love through Jesus. I can’t wait to share my love and life with a man of God who is after God’s own heart just as I am. Follow me as I continue to become the woman of God I was always meant to be and to eventually be found by the ONE God blesses me with. In Jesus’ name! Amen!