Just A Little Crazy…

Am I crazy or are my feelings legitimate? Sometimes my emotions are uncontrollable and intense. We assume that it’s mother nature’s fault, and sometimes it is and sometimes it’s not. It’s even worse when men say it’s not an excuse. But then my feelings feel real, and I question are my feelings valid? I had an ex-boyfriend who made me feel I needed to apologized for my feelings and every fight was blamed on being a woman. I was confused if I was either right or wrong. I felt sorry that I had these feelings, never understanding if in fact I was allowed to have them. I want to edify the fact that I’m a person that likes to be in control of my feelings. The fact that I cannot always be in control of my feelings makes me feel even more helpless. Women are complex creatures, but we deserve the right to have our feelings acknowledge for what they are and not that we are crazy or psychotic, but that our feelings are legitimate. They might be intense at times, but they are still real for us. I can’t wait for the day that I find someone who is willing to put up with my “crazy” no matter what and still find me beautiful as ever. When he finally shows up in my life, I will treat him like the King that he is because he knows that I’m worth it, flaws, feelings and all!

The Bookworm…

Books! One of my favorite pastimes; a love for knowledge, a love for imagination, a love for information, a love for definitions, a love for clarity, a love for guidance, a love for words and more. When you meet someone with a common interest in books, it feels different. Before I started my own business, I’ve never met anyone who read books, let alone someone who actually enjoyed it and someone who read the same types of books. Sometimes I wonder, what kind of guys have I been meeting all this time? I had already met the Bookworm about a year ago, but it wasn’t until a few months ago I found out he read books! When I found out he read the same types of books I was reading, I was instantly attracted to him and instantly wanted to know more about him. My intentions weren’t to pursue him in a romantic way, but I wanted to pick his brain. All I thought was, “who was this rare human I have encountered on?” Everything I learned through our exchanges of findings in books, I came to like more and more. Our conversations were intellectual, honest, and insightful. Our communication had clarity, open-mindedness and respect. It was something so rare that I’ve ever experienced with any guy, so I kept coming back for more. Books do a wondrous of things and one of those things for me was enlightened my values. His mindset about becoming a better person in life and to self-grow was a quality that highly seduced me intellectually. I have learned that the power of influence and association is positively important to growing myself. The Bookworm has opened up my eyes to a value that I have never looked for in my past relationships, but now will be a requirement for my love.

The Cheater, The Cheatee & The Participant…

If you have never been in any of these positions, good for you! I can honestly say I have been of all 3; the cheater, the cheatee and a participant. I’m not proud of any of it, but I think it’s a topic that most people can relate to. I don’t ever feel like it shouldn’t have never happened because all experiences are to be learned from. Would I ever do it again; be a cheater or participant? Probably not, or I hope not to be; I would definitely think twice and a few more times after. I definitely don’t ever want to be cheated on again.

The Cheater. Yes I have cheated. I admit that. I’m not perfect. I don’t really have the best excuses for it, but it always let me know that I was not happy in that relationship. It acted as a wakeup call, like why am I seeking attention and love from someone else? There has to be something wrong in my current relationship for me to cheat. It doesn’t make it any right to do it, and I should have probably communicated my feelings to that person then to cheat. But hey, I know what to do now! Communication is key, so talk before you cheat. Express those feelings first! Yes!

The Cheatee. Yes I have been cheated on. Not the best feeling. I don’t believe in second chances, and once they cheat that’s it. It’s an obvious reason that I’m not enough for them. I’m sorry, you should have kept your dick in your pants!

The Participant. This was a one time experience. I didn’t know I was the participant at first. I didn’t know he had a girlfriend until it was too late. I became the participant because I continued to see him. I think we had like a 6 month run, and maybe once or twice did I ever get mad that he didn’t leave her for me. Honestly, he made me feel like the only person in the world when we were together. I was happy. I was with him everyday after work and everyday we spent the night together. It was only once a week when he saw her. I think that’s why I stayed with him. It was probably one of the most happiest times of my life. Crazy how that is huh? I never did see a future with him; I was just in the moment all the time. I was working 3 jobs and finishing up my bachelors, so he was my fun and my release from responsibilities.

I am still surprised on how much I still believe in love after all this. Now that I’m older, I know better. I’ve learned, and I plan on never making these mistakes again.

Someone Like Me

My personality is kind of wild, spontaneous, aggressive, goes for what she wants, a little out there, social butterfly and just fun when it comes to being around great energy. Although I definitely feel like I’m more of an introvert because I love to be alone, I feel peace in the calm, in the silence, in my own thoughts and in my own world. I don’t mind eating at a restaurant alone or even seeing a movie by myself. I love being around me because I can be myself. I read an article once on introverted extroverts; I guess I am both.

Most people who know me see me as the optimistic, happy go lucky, crazy, wild and always laughing girl. That is a huge part of who I am and who I’ve always been. That’s why I find it so mind boggling that I am always attracted to guys that are serious, quiet, to themselves, unemotional, grounded, unsocial and just plain opposite of my extroverted personality. I believe that I may lack in those traits in myself that I might admire someone who has those traits that I want.

When my extroverted personality takes over, I get a sense that I need to be more calm when I’m around others. I have to reenergize by being alone. It’s almost like I need someone to calm me and to tame my over the top personality. But that doesn’t sound right.. shouldn’t I be with someone who’s like me? Who can be wild when need be and serious when need be? Shouldn’t I be with someone like me? Someone who understands that I’m both? Who can take my wild side and who can take my silence in peace? I need someone like me. I want someone like me. I don’t want to feel trapped in a relationship who’s opposite of me and I don’t want a relationship who’s much too wild for me either. I need balance because I am balanced.

Friendzoned

Is it really possible to make new friends of the opposite sex without having any sexual intentions? It’s probably one of the reasons why I put guys in the friendzone. If there are no signs of a future or that initial spark then I automatically friendzone them. It is easier for me to put them into that category and then be myself. But in fact, it should be that very reason to have a friendship with someone I want a relationship with. I always hear that you should fall in love with your bestfriend. In my head, I’m like “my bestfriend? I can’t be with my bestfriend! That’s just weird!” They say the best relationships start with friendship. I never really believed that, but I am beginning to believe it. In a lot of the books I have read so far, talk about if you cannot be friends with someone, why would you start a relationship with them. Now I realized that these books are absolutely true. I have never been friends first with any of my relationships, so maybe that is why they never last. I never got to know them on a deeper level, but it all makes sense now. Friendship should always be the foundation of a great relationship. Like why wouldn’t I consider a guy friend as a boyfriend? They are obviously my friend for a reason. I like them as a person, enjoy their company and know them more on a deeper level than just a superficial relationship. Right? Right! Why did it take me so long to realize this? I never listen to anyone, but then a book tells me that this is what I need to do and then BAM! I am on it haha. It’s going to take a while to transition to this kind of thinking. All of my life, once I put you in the friendzone then that’s that. You not getting out of it. 100% serious. I have never dated a friend. Even just thinking about kissing one of my guy friends right now makes me feel super weird like its unnatural. This may take a while to process. Till then.. friendships here we go.

Recap

My journey to finding love seemed like it was going on the right track. I had a boyfriend right away after meeting him, he wanted to have a future with me, I did everything I could to make him happy, and I almost had his baby. You would think that I had found love, but I guess I did not. It’s been 2 months now since we’ve broken up, and only sometimes do I ever think about him and how big I would be 4 months pregnant. I didn’t know how honest I wanted to be on my blog, but from the very start I have always been real. If you did not know, I did have a miscarriage and part of the reason as to why we broke up is because of that. I just know that God had other plans for me. It just wasn’t meant to be and let alone bring a baby into this world with him. Everything just happened so quickly in that relationship and how it felt so good for someone to want a future with me. It felt like, “Finally!” I fell in love with the idea of having it all with someone. It seemed like it was finally here for me. Every relationship I’ve been in has always been a learning experience, which I hope it would be. Since then I have picked up some books about life, love, relationships and being a better person. It has really taught me a lot about myself and how I go about relationships and finding love. It will be different the next time.

When is it my turn for love?

Why? More often then I would like, I have to start over. Why did it not work out this time? What did I do wrong? Why do I have to go through this again? Why? Why? Why?

It has been a terrible week for me. I realized I haven’t wrote in 2 months. I had nothing to write about, or I didn’t want to write what was actually going on in my relationship. Now I have something to say about it. It is easy to blame myself for my failed relationship because I always feel like I could have done better. But in fact, he could have done better. And this doesn’t come from hate or anger, but from truth. I did my best to be the very best girlfriend possible. I gave my all to him and tried to create a future with him. I know I gave all of me. That’s all that should matter on my part; knowing that I gave my best and all to someone. I did not hold back. Often times when we go through heartbreaks we tend to bring fear into the new relationship. I did not do that. I created a new relationship with someone new. But my best was not enough. Even though this relationship never came to the words “I L-You”, I would be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt, but it does. It hurts to start over. More wasted time it seems. I hate starting over. But that’s what has to be done…

For The Better

It’s kind of funny when you think you know what you want, you’re so very sure about it and then you meet someone that changes you for the better. You think you had made up your mind or already made choices for the future, and then all of a sudden you find yourself wanting more for yourself, for your life with him. I’ve always been the type to just go with the flow growing up; letting life take me and lead me to places and whatever happens, happens. Everything happens for a reason. Although now I know it’s more than just that. I have choices to make that can lead me to where I want to be. If I make the right choices, I can get where I want to be in life, in my career and in my relationships. I’m not only trying to be better for him but for myself as well. He just so happened to open up my eyes. Pop the little naive bubble I’m in. I definitely want the life I deserve to have. To be happily secure with all aspects of my well being. There’s just so much more to life than I thought.

2 peas in a pod…

You’re never just you anymore when you’re in a relationship. When you go somewhere people are always asking where your significant other is when they see that you’ve come to the party alone. It’s nice to be a part of a 2 piece thing haha. And sometimes it’s like “Oh does he always have to be with me now?” But don’t get me wrong here, I do this a lot to all the couples I know. I even do it to their dogs or their kids haha. Like they should never ever be apart from them ever again. Just kidding. Like I said, it’s a nice thing to feel that now I come in a package. Two peas in a pod. Oh wait, he hates peas! =)

Our first fight…

No relationship is perfect, and I should know this. Everyone around me who’s in a relationship are in relationships that aren’t perfect. But I believe otherwise that I could have a perfect relationship. I need to stop because having unrealistic expectations causes unhappiness from my own doings. All I can say is work, work, work, work! Relationships are work. And no one teaches you the ways of a relationship because each person is different. One thing could work from a past relationship, and the same thing wouldn’t work in another relationship. So I’m constantly learning and learning what works in this relationship. This is why some people give up, or rather be single. It’s not as easy as it seems. And if it was, everyone would be doing it. My mind has envisioned a perfect relationship through fairytale movies and romantic novels. Can I have everything? It’s possible. But it’s not always going to be perfect. It’s not always going to be happy times all the time. People are human and not perfect, so relationships aren’t perfect.

We had our first fight. Of course it was something stupid. Something that I expected that was not fulfilled, so I was upset. I think that we were both wrong. I didn’t have to make a big deal out of it, but I think he should have just done it to make me happy. Relationships are full-time jobs, so you either work for it or you quit. Your choice. I choose to work.

“I L-word You”

How do you know? Like really know? Am I feeling some type of way because I’m just happy? Or is it really some type of way that might be a lot more? How can you differentiate the feels? Of course I’ve said it before. It’s easy to love. Love a person. But what about being in love? Now what’s that? Am I falling in love? Or am I just loving what I have with him? Is it just feel good feelings? It’s hard to really pinpoint if they are love feelings or in love feelings. Or maybe being in love has no doubts and I should just know. Although, I’m stubborn and I’m not saying “I L-word You” first. But I constantly feel like he’s the man that I’ve been waiting for. I just have to wait and feel don’t I?

The Promise…

We were in bed and he slid it; slid it on my finger!! I propped up and I just couldn’t believe it. I was in shock! “What is this?! What are you doing?!” Pretty much surprised at the fact he just slid a ring onto my left ring finger on a Sunday morning in bed. He said it’s a promise, and I literally had no words. I was silent, and I gave him a hug and kiss and just stared at my finger for the rest of the day.

I look at it every day now and finally feel like everything is coming into place. A lot of people were just as shocked as me when I showed them what was on my little finger. I got comments like, “You guys are moving way too fast!” But I believe there are no rules to love. I can’t help the way I feel, and he can’t help the way he feels. He knows what he wants and this is how he wants to show me. There is no right or wrong.

I want to make you happy yesterday, today and tomorrow!” –him