We were in bed and he slid it; slid it on my finger!! I propped up and I just couldn’t believe it. I was in shock! “What is this?! What are you doing?!” Pretty much surprised at the fact he just slid a ring onto my left ring finger on a Sunday morning in bed. He said it’s a promise, and I literally had no words. I was silent, and I gave him a hug and kiss and just stared at my finger for the rest of the day.
I look at it every day now and finally feel like everything is coming into place. A lot of people were just as shocked as me when I showed them what was on my little finger. I got comments like, “You guys are moving way too fast!” But I believe there are no rules to love. I can’t help the way I feel, and he can’t help the way he feels. He knows what he wants and this is how he wants to show me. There is no right or wrong.
“I want to make you happy yesterday, today and tomorrow!” –him
Dating a man with a kid is different than dating a man with no kid. Not different as in good or bad or better, but just different. Not saying all fathers are the same; there are probably good and bad fathers, but this specific father (my boyfriend) is pretty amazing.
He has so much love for his kid. He’s proud to be a father. His number one priority is his kid. He’s responsible. He’s not out doing dumb shit. He doesn’t have a sip of beer if he knows he’s driving. He’s not doing drugs. He goes to work and he works hard to give his kid everything. He doesn’t have to see his kid, he wants to see his kid and needs to see his kid. He spends most his free time with his kid. He wants to be the best father to his kid. He told me he didn’t have parents growing up, so now he’s changing that for his kid. He’s a different kind of man that I’m used to because he has a kid. He knows what he wants. He’s understanding. He’s patient. He’s kind. He’s loving. He’s affectionate. He doesn’t play games. He’s fun. He’s serious, but most of the time he’s being silly. He has a good heart. I can just tell. He’s grown. He’s mature. And I feel safe with him. He’s a family man. He wants a big family too. It’s just obvious he’s an amazing father and man.
I never come first. It’s a given fact, and I cannot be mad about it. That’s what happens when you date someone with a kid. The kid will/should come first. Of course I get sad, upset, disappointed when I’m not chosen to spend the day or night with him. But what can I really do? I’m not going to pout, cry and beg for his attention. He has a kid. What would it look like on my part if I were to cry about it? I don’t think it would be a good look, and I don’t think I’d get my way. There’s no way a man will put up with that shit. A man with a kid wants someone who understands, who’s patient, who’s willing to share his time and who’s accepting of his child. I would never tell him to pick me over his kid. I would lose, and I would lose him. I’ve had to tell myself a few times that I cannot be angry at him for spending time with his kid. It takes me a few minutes to change my negative thoughts into positive ones. Being in a relationship with him has taught me so much in such a short amount of time. I have learned so much about patience and understanding the bond between a parent and child. I know that I’m selfish, but dating a father has taught me to think of someone else other than myself. One day I will have a child, and I will know exactly how it feels to be a mother.
I know what you’re thinking already. Plenty of people have already said it. “What? A boyfriend? That was fast! Is the blog over? Justine found love?!” Pretty much sums up what I’ve heard since it happened. But you cannot measure the quality of a relationship with time. Now the next question is which one is he? Can I get a drumroll please?
The Father ❤
I never would have thought I would end up seriously dating a man with a kid. My previous post about The Father had several reasons why I wouldn’t. But since then, I have learned so much about what it is like to date a man with a kid, particularly this one, who is now my boyfriend.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” -Maya Angelou
She said it best. No matter what I’ve been through in relationships, I always had hope, courage, and faith to try for love one more time. It wasn’t always like that though. I’m human, and my marriage hit me into some of my darkest days that I hope I will never have to relive ever again. At a young age, the first man in my life that I ever loved and trusted had broken my heart because I witnessed it and heard it; my dad was unfaithful to my mom. I was confused for a long time, and I just couldn’t understand how someone could do that. I blamed a lot of my failed relationships because of my dad. I’m older and wiser now with a psych degree (haha), so I’m more aware of who I am, why I am me, and how to be me without blaming my past and having it dictate my relationships. Every day I find myself feeling and knowing that I’m changing for the better. I’m growing, loving, and understanding myself. To be this consciously aware of who I am is all part of making me a better person for myself and for the love of my life.
Falling in love seems ridiculously scary; to feel something so deeply for someone. To be vulnerable, to let go of any power over my own emotions, and to let a sense of freedom takeover is insane! Who wants that? Especially at the risk of getting hurt? Why wouldn’t someone stop that? They say you risk everything when it comes to love, but I’m thinking of just saving myself before it even starts. I get into relationships and I set myself up for heartbreak just to prove to myself that I was right, and that he wasn’t the one anyways. And maybe he was but my own fear got in the way of the relationship. When the relationship felt like it was heading towards something more, I had to sabotage it. Maybe it’s me. My fear alone fucks me up. Because when I am single and looking for love, I think about how great love could be and how amazing it would be to find my true love. How fearless and hopeful I am to find the one. How exciting it is to go on different dates and possibly meet him. And then the vicious cycle happens once again. I get into a relationship, my feelings go wild and then I mess it up. It seems like it’s easier to ruin the relationship than to actual be in it and possibly fall in love. How do people do it? I’ve had relationships, but I’ve never been in love. I’ve felt in-the-moment-type relationships; relationships that I don’t see in the future. But when it comes to someone I want a future with, shit goes to hell. I think I am afraid of loving someone so hard that they will not love me as hard back. And when I think about falling in love and being in love, I think about it as 110% equal of loving each other the same. I don’t want to feel like I’m loving the other person more than they are loving me. I believe that being in love is equal. I am a hopeless romantic and a jaded cynic at the same time when it comes to love. I want to learn how to let things happen without feeling like I’m not in control over my feelings.
Maybe I should title this post “The Weird One… The End”. I had one last date with him, but I didn’t know it was going to be the last one. We had lunch and coffee, almost like it was our usual thing. We watched half of a movie and then I left to my family’s party. I had a good time with him, and he did too because he texted me to tell me. It became one day, then two days and eventually a week that I hadn’t heard from him. I thought to myself, maybe I should text him, but I didn’t. Why? I want someone who tries, who wants me, who’s going to show me how much they want me, and I want someone who won’t give up. I know how I am in a relationship, how I’ve been in a relationship, and I always give my 100%. I no longer want to do that for someone unless they show the same kind of effort I would give them. He was a cool guy, but just not the one for me.
A little story from the past…
I remember the night like it happened yesterday. I was going out to celebrate my cousin’s birthday when I first met him. He was my cousin’s cousin’s friend, and we immediately locked eyes on each other the whole night. We were going on dates and seeing each other more than once a week. We’d go out to eat, sporting events, and the shooting range. And we also stayed in a lot of the times too. For me I was definitely wanting a relationship, but after a few months we decided to stop seeing each other. I don’t remember exactly why we ended it. Somehow we started up again, but this time we stayed in all the time (Netflix and chill). This time around it was definitely for the booty. It was a year of on and off booty, but the last time we started again I thought it was going to be different. I thought in my mind that if we kept coming back to each other, we should just be together. After we had our trip to Seattle, I asked him where our relationship was going, and he basically told me we were just friends. That point on I knew it was never going to be more. We got into a fight and never talked to each other ever again until about 8 months when I received a text from him. I was in complete shocked to see his name pop up on my phone. I read, “Hey! How are you?” So I replied.
This is what I found out. After we stopped talking, 2 months later he’s in a relationship. In these 6 months of dating her, he goes from GF/BF to “I love you’s” to almost buying a house and moving in together. While he’s telling me all this, all I wanted to do was choke him and say “FUCK YOU!” Are you freaking serious? All I could wonder was, why not me? What was different about her that you gave her a relationship and not me? What did I do wrong? I was hurt, but I never expressed this to him. I had already left those feelings in the past, and I didn’t want to bring them back out.
I am not a man, and I will probably not know all the reasons as to why a man makes the decisions that he does when it comes to relationships. How a man can be with his girlfriend for 8 years and doesn’t know if he wants to marry her? Then a year later he is married with another woman. But I get it! I really do because I have ended relationships knowing that he wasn’t going to be the one. It’s nothing about the person, sometimes it’s just not meant to be.
I give the upmost respect for fathers who take care of their children when they are no longer with the baby mama. But could I ever really get serious with one? There are many fears for me that come along with dating another woman’s baby daddy. First, baby mama drama, I’m just not into it. I have never had drama in my life like that, and I wouldn’t want to start now over some dude. Second, there’s a chance he could get back with the baby mama, so they can work on being a family for the baby. I’m all about people trying to stay together for the baby, at least try and work it out. I would want that for myself if I were in that situation. Third, I would like to start my own family with someone who doesn’t already have another family. Fourth, do they want more children because I would like a baby someday? Fifth, I like attention; can he drop everything and come over if I call him? These are just a few reasons why I try to stay away from daddies. Nothing against them, but I just prefer my man without babies.
I had met The Father and told him straight up, “I don’t date guys with babies.” He says, “Well, I think you should give this one a chance.” I tried avoiding the situation all together. I didn’t text him much; I just wasn’t feeling him because of his situation. I still made plans to go on a date, but I cancelled last minute. I really thought I got rid of him then, but a couple days later he asked if I was ok because I never gave him an explanation as to why I cancelled. He was still interested in taking me out. I thought why not, I guess I could write about him on my blog (I know, now I’m using him for material). But what shocked me the most about getting to know him more was that he’s really a great guy. The whole kid thing no longer bothered me anymore. At least for now…
I wish I could take a little bit of this, a little bit of that, from him, him, him, and him, put those good qualities in a big pot of boiling water, with potions and magic spells to make a combination of my purrrrrrfect soulmate. Does anyone know of a place that can make this happen?
Dating is hard, like freaking hard. I really wish it was easy to just know who I would be spending the rest of my life with. I’m an impatient person, always have been, and I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not going to happen instantly. It’s a journey Justine, a fucking damn journey! It’s going to take more than 3 dates. Even the relationships around me didn’t happen in 3 dates. Some of them took years to realize that their person was their one. I don’t know why I think my story would be any different, but it could happen right?
There is a lot of things that I’m learning about myself on this love journey. Like I said, I wish I could take the best little pieces of everyone that I’ve ever met and create the love of my life. Now I’m wondering if I could just accept someone who doesn’t check everything off my list. I definitely am not perfect, so why should I expect perfect in someone else? Could I really find that man that I have envisioned for my love life or do I take what I have in front of me and make it the best relationship I could have? Is there an actual person out there made specifically for me or is that a fantasy that I have set up in my mind through Nicholas Sparks’ books, fairytales, and Hollywood romance movies?
The lovvveeeeee journey continues…
I have a history of dating young boys. Oops, I mean young men! My friends always tell me, “He’s too young! He’s a baby! Date someone your own age!” I don’t know what it is; I’m just attracted to them. Actually, it’s because they’re fun, spontaneous, they’re eager to please, more active, less set in their ways, they go with the flow, and they don’t hold back with showing their feelings for you. I think I’m a lot like them, so we get along really well. But I am at that age where I might need to start looking for someone my own age or older. Someone who’s ready to go to the next step with their life. Someone who is set in their career. Someone who is stable. Someone who is still not searching for what they want in life. I am not saying that all young men are immature and don’t know what they want in life, but if I want a baby in 2 years, are they going to be ready for it? If I’m dating a guy who is 24, will he be ready at 26? Maybe, maybe not. Do I let myself get to that point where he would or wouldn’t be ready? I just don’t want our relationship to be a waste of time if he ends up not wanting the same things as me in the near future. I’ll just be 2 years older having to start over, and I do not want that at all. I get that I could start over at any age, even with someone my age, but I think it’s less likely to happen. I could be wrong about the whole thing. Who knows? They say “age is nothing but a number.” Sure. I don’t want to prejudge anyone because of their age, but it’s still something I need to consider when finding the one.
He was really weird! Like super super duper weird. Just kidding no he wasn’t. It makes up for a good title and nickname though! I guess it’s a little bit of an inside joke with him. So I swiped right with this one, meaning we matched on Tinder. I was telling people about how I was going on a date after work, and when they asked me where I met him, I lied and said at the grocery store. So, I had started to make up this story about how he asked me for my number in the produce section. I got several reactions from people saying it sounded like something from a movie, or that rarely ever happens. So after going on a date with him, I immediately wanted to write about how our date went. I started to write the made up story of how we met and just started to feel bad (like bitch this is not true). I told myself if I was going to really blog about my journey in finding love that I was going to keep it 100% real. So we did not meet in the produce section of the grocery story, but on Tinder.
We had already been talking for about a week and decided to meet. I got off work and met him at the restaurant. I always get first date butterflies, hoping the person I meet in real life looks the same as their pictures on their profile. I don’t want to be catfished and stuck on a date that I can’t get out of because I’m nice, sometimes. It was not the case with this one. He was cute, cuter in person, tall 6’0″, lean, pretty eyes, nice smile, great taste in shoes (Jordan’s), nice jacket (Nike) and a 5 o’clock shadow. Definitely my type; eyes check, smile check, and shoes check. Our chemistry in person was as good as our conversations through text. The date lasted about 2.5 hours of just getting to know each other more. I left pretty satisfied with the date. He said he wanted to see me again, so I agreed because I did want a 2nd date too.
Who would’ve thought that I’d see him again the next day for lunch? It so happened that my 1st date of the day cancelled on me (The Raider Fan), so I was available to meet with him. After we had Vietnamese food we continued our date at Starbucks, where we drank coffee and talked some more. This guy can talk, but I didn’t mind it because he makes me laugh. As time flew by, I realized that my 2nd date of the day was coming up soon, but I didn’t really feel like going anymore. So I cancelled my date with him (The Father). The Weird One and I talked a bit more and then we went our separate ways. We plan on seeing each other again pretty soon. To be continued…